If you’re like me, you have all the time in the world to daydream about how easy this parenting gig would be if you only had a (fill in the blank). For every step forward in the “useful kids’ crap” category (see Gro Clock), there is a giant leap backwards (see Child disassembles Gro Clock with the accuracy and precision of a bomb specialist.) I’ve gone one step further and leaped so far out of the box that the items listed below can only be found in the realm of science fiction. Still, a mom can dream, can’t she?
A feat of engineering that keeps bathtub water IN the bathtub and off the floor. Perhaps an invisible force field or a film that keeps water where it belongs. I’d even try sonar that prevents children from turning the tub into a wave pool like a Kraken on, well…crack. So far, I’ve tried a garbage bag and a clear storage bin but as of yet have been unsuccessful.
A baby/toddler/pre-schooler-to-English translator that plugs directly into your ear. Imagine - no more figuring out which cup they want, no more wondering why your child is crying for the eleventy-hundredth time (in the past hour). “Nooo!” becomes “I would gladly play with that parent-approved, educational toy.” At the very least, if no translation could be found, the ear plug would pump in the soothing, dulcet tones of Enya or Yanni Live at the Acropolis.
Food that instantly becomes whatever your child wants. Chicken fingers? No problem. Oh, you changed your mind? Bam! Macaroni! Bonus points if every dish magically has four times the nutritional value of my preschooler’s current diet of plain hamburger buns and air.
A magic bed. I’m probably the only parent alive who has problems with her children sleeping in their own bed (or sleeping at all), but bear with me. If someone created a bed that could transport my child to Slumberland and keep him there until the sun actually rose, I would literally just give that sorcerer all of my money. Note: I would also accept a mattress that cuts the bedtime nonsense down from two hours to twenty solid minutes.
Toys that don’t lose their pieces. Or have sharp edges. Or get caught in an air vent. Or up a child’s nose. Or don’t require batteries. Or cause dents in a child’s skull when his younger brother clobbers him with it. So, basically a sponge.
Liquid patience. If only there was a magical liquid that could soothe a mommy’s frazzled nerves and transport her feelings of rage and inadequacy to a far-off place. I would name it after the sound it creates when it first passes the lips: Merlooooooot……